To Hell With It! ‘NO!’ I’m Doing It For Me Now.

I’ve had this incessant need to say YES. Yes to help , yes to serve, pretty much yes to everything. It’s the main reason why I’ve had so many opportunities and experiences in the media industry at such a young age. I’ve never felt that I was too “big” to perform any task. I’ve worked the door and I’ve worked the stage. Learning, growing, making errors, making amends, letting go, staying, walking away from it all… it’s been quite a journey thus far. One that I do not regret in any way.

But sometimes, the ‘yeses’ kill you. Sometimes enough is enough. And you have to say ‘NO’.

There was a time when I had to walk away from a situation where my peace of mind was being challenged. My desire to please was threatening my mental health and my emotional well-being, not to mention, the sacrifices began to outweigh the benefits. So I left. At first I thought that upon leaving I would feel this huge sense of relief, but the only thing I remember feeling the next day and continuing for some time was a large bout of guilt. I felt empty, useless and alone. I had assigned all of my worth and value to this thing for such a long time that when it was over I thought, surely, I was too.

Weeks went by and the emptiness grew inside of me. Did I make a mistake by saying “no”? Who would I be now that I was no longer there? I felt like everything I had worked towards had disappeared. I felt like I had let myself down ; like I had failed.

One day during this dark period of self doubt, my mother and sister encouraged me to write. “Write your story” they said, “whatever it may look like… write it all down” .

Believe me this was much easier said than done. It involved many ripped pages, many tear-stained pillows, but it began a process of healing and self-awareness that I desperately needed. I needed to give myself a break. I had spent so much time helping, serving, fixing everyone else all the while neglecting myself. Sis was burnt out. Sis was tired. I was sis. And instead of looking at this new season as one of rest, recuperating and restoration, I was hating on myself for finally choosing me.

I chose me. That was worth celebrating. I slowed down. That was worth celebrating. I took my power back. That was definitely worth celebrating. And that I began to do! I began spending time with myself. Finding things to do that I was interested in and that benefited me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for being productive and going after goals, but I’ve learnt that rest and relaxation should be goals too.

I am a foodie so relaxing meant wining and dining myself. I ordered this amazing brunch box from ‘Mood for Food’ with all my favourite things – pasta, wings, chocolate chip cookies, fries and apple juice. I sat down and watched my favourite shows, in the comfort of my room and had a good time with the best company ever – me! It felt so awesome to just be at peace and not worry about meeting a deadline or missing a call or an email.

I encourage everyone to do this. Slow down, give yourself a break, do something enjoyable and remember that food is always a mood!